It’s Kind Of Like Voldemort

“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” -JK Rowling via Dumbledore

Three months ago, I went into surgery for ovarian cysts. I was diagnosed with them in March. However, I came out of surgery with no cysts but a diagnosis of endometriosis (from here on out referred as just endo). It took a few days to come down from the medication for me to fully sit up a computer to Google my new found buddy.

Until that day three months ago, I’d never heard of endo. It sounded like a disease that no one else had or was extremely rare. I was surprised to find out that 1 in 10 women had it. I’ve been quite open with my diagnosis of endo and am surprised how many women I know have it. Even the women who don’t have it know of at least one women who fights the fight. It’s little wonder when some women’s diseases are more unmentionable than other women’s disease. Endo is one of the harder ones to talk about to some people because even though I know I’m talking to adults, you never know how they are going to react.

For those who don’t know, a 18 minute overview:

A big barrier of thought was the incurable part. I’m currently taking Lupron which induces menopause which is a temporary fix. After I’m securely in menopause, I’m going to be taking hormones that keep my body in a state of menopause until the time has come for me to come out of menopause. This is one of the treatments talked about in the video. But, I know this won’t cure me. Even if I have to get a hysterectomy, it won’t cure me. The scariest part of this entire ordeal is the not knowing when I’m getting out of menopause. It’s also knowing that several of my dear friends will get pregnant during this hiatus in my uterus, and even though I love them dearly, it will still hurt.

Back to Voldemort for a second. The quote at the top of the page was one of the first coherent thoughts that I had after my surgery. It was my first rambling. The fear of naming the disease was never a thought in my mind. I wasn’t going to be held in fear of a name on a piece of paper. I’m not saying that I’m over the fear of all of the unknowns with this disease. They scare me. I have a list on my phone on why it’s okay at this moment for me to have this disease, just for the affirmation that at this point in my life I will survive. But even if that list needs to change, I will not let the name of endometriosis scare me.

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Aside

My High School Analysis As You Like It

I did this before with High School Me Writes Poetry. I like looking back to see the growth in my personal writing. The summer before my senior year in high school, we were supposed to read As You Like It and The Count of Monte Cristo. I decided to “blog” my reading of As You Like It on Facebook Notes. I will be doing minor edits because someone didn’t believe in using the shift key and the APA format has changed. But, I’m keeping the many spelling errors. I’m even going to make some comments because these were just that bad.
Part 1:
I will be writing in here my adventure through the wonderful world of As You Like It. I can guarantee that this will very funny.
[No. No, it wasn’t high school me.]
Part 2:
As You Like It is really not that bad. In Act 1, it got funny. I think. I had to look it up on Sparknotes. I am not the person to get with Shakespeare. I am supposed to do a summary and then a reflection. All you people who have not graduated from [redacted] have to do that. You former seniors got lucky. At least you had to do this… maybe… once? I don’t know! I doubt the teachers will take it up though. It was extra credit the last time. I did venture into Twelfth Night this school year. That was a disaster. If drama is elective and an English, should I get a credit to graduate with?
[Dear high school me, you end up being a person that does Shakespeare. You actually volunteer at a Shakespeare theater for basically three years. As You Like It is in your top ten Shakespeare plays. And yes, you did get extra credit.]
Part 3:
More adventures!!!!!!!!!! I have no clue what Shakespeare is saying. I think this book I checked out from the libray might help. It is call The Complete Idoit’s Guide to Shakespeare.
[It’s called a proofread. You misspelled library and idiot.]
Part 4:
I have memorized one line. “Now brothers and comates in exile.”
[You are going to learn in about two years that accurate quotes matter. It’s actually, “Now, my co-mates and brothers in exile.”]
Part 5:
I had to return The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Shakespeare because I will be going on vacation next week. I feel very lost. The next week I have youth camp so I will be dragging the play As You Like It all over the place. That should be fun.
[Are you being sarcastic? Because, I remember that you didn’t even read As You Like It at camp. You have no room for being sarcastic, you procrastinator.]
Part 6:
I finished it. After weeks of reading, I have finished As You Like It. I loved that I have finished reading it, but now, I have to write summaries and reflections. How do you write a persuasion essay on how running away is good? I won’t be able to do that. That would be a little too hard.
[I guess this whole thing is over. It’s not as bad as I thought…]
Part 7:
I am so behind in As You Like It. I really shoukd be writing reflections and summaries. It was just youth camp and district conferance. Oops! I should really start writing the summaries and reflections. Bye!!!!!
[How are you behind if you’re finished reading it? Why are you online when you should be writing? Why don’t you use contractions? These are only some of the many mysteries of these postings.]
Part 8: 
I am not behind everybody reading. I might even be most ahead. I watched the movie and they deleted a whole lot of good lines!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another horrible movie is The Crucible. The ending is alittle flat. It is so serious, and then it is so hilarious. i want to speak with the writer of it. Stick to the script!!!!!! I don’t care if Arthur Miller said you could do it. Was he in the classroom when the half the class erupted into laughter. I was one of those people laughing. Come on, when people are saying the Lord’s Prayer, you do not kill them. I need to end this blog. It is not critiquing movies.
[Don’t cut yourself on that edge, now. Also, this is only the first of many disappointments with plays as movies.]
Part 9:
I lost the book!!!!!!!!!!! It is somewhere in the basement. I looked everywhere! I have not finished my summaries and reflections! I would not be this paniced if i did not get my first college application today. SWU sent me my first college application ever!!!! It will be so cool going to SWU. Go Warriors!!! But I really am freaking out about this. It has my notes in it. Basically 4 weeks until school starts. At least I finished As You Like It. I am still working on The Count of Monte Cristo. It is really boring. I don’t even know what to compare it to. Teeth drilling sounds fun. The process of reading it is so slow. As You Like IT really does not have any action. It does have wit though. Wit or witout wit, it is pretty cool. Remember, SWU Wariors rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are blue and yellow. this seems really random right?
[I’m going to not call out the witout because I think you are trying to be funny. Man, you misspelled warriors which would be bad enough if it was only your mascot in college, but your high school mascot. Also me from the past, panicked.]
Part 10:
I found my book and my notes. The Count of Monte Cristo is going along slow. I am still on page 26. It takes forever. I really should be reading it instead of writing this note. It is so boring. Is this what i get for joing an ap class?
[Translation: “I’m so smart because I’m in an AP class. You should pity my struggle of reading classic literature.”]

High school me, you have to learn a lot. But, you eventually learned a lot. Just tone down on the exclamation points.

Some Wilde Quotes

Featured imageI scored a ticket to see The Importance of Being Earnest tomorrow. Oscar Wilde is one of my favorite playwrights of all time, so needless to say, I am super excited. In order to fulfill some pre-show hype, I decided to share some Oscar Wilde quotes. Most are going to be from The Importance of Being Earnest and An Ideal Husband as a heads up sort of deal.

From An Ideal Husband

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Oh, I love London Society! I think it has immensely improved. It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics.

Well, the fact is, father, this is not my day for talking seriously. I am very sorry but it is not my day.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilised.

I make it a rule never to accept Tommy. That is why he goes on proposing.

We men and women are not made to accept such sacrifices from each other. We are not worthy of them.

From The Importance of Being Earnest

I don’t play accurately-any one can play accurately- but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte.

Well, in the first place girls never marry men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right.

More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.

Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don’t try it. You should leave it to people who haven’t been at University. They do it so well in the daily papers.

Illness in any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life.

Both?…To lose one parent may be regarded as misfortune…to lose both seems like carelessness.

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.

I don’t like talking seriously in the open air. It looks so artificial.

You see, it is simply a young girl’s record  of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When it appears in print, I hope you order a copy.

Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get into my cuffs. One should always eat  muffins quite calmly. It is the only way.

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest births who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.

My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. He died before I was a year old.

It is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all of his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.

From A Woman of No Importance

Children begin by loving their parents. After time they judge them. Rarely if ever do they forgive them.

From Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime

Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

Most famous words concerning wallpaper

This wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. Either it goes or I do.

For the Courage of Those From Bergerac

I have been meaning to write this several times. Mostly when I am nowhere near a computer. I am not physically perfect. Now, I have never been “physically perfect” in any definition of the phrase. In the past year, I have become more “socially acceptable” I guess you could say, but the amount of curves I have is not the thing I am self-conscious about. For the past six or seven years, I have avoided eye contact as much as possible. Most people took it as a mark of shyness (maybe) or even a lack of confidence (in the worst of times, this could also be said as true). At these times, I want to draw strength from the greatest misfit of all…the great Cyrano de Bergerac.

I had been wanting to talk/write about Cyrano for a while now, but I never had time. Last year, I saw the same production of the play about six times (I currently usher at a playhouse Cyrano de Bergerac was one of the plays). It gave me plenty thoughts on the subjects. Mainly about love and the characters and how is it possible for words to be held down by gravity. In January, I was diagnosed with an eye condition that made one of my eyes not dilate as much as the other (also it an eye condition that is normally found in people a lot older than me). This lead to that eye being dilated for the entire month of February. Needless to say, I felt like a freak. I felt like people would care about something as simple as two eyes not being the same size. I know that they don’t care as much as I think they care, but that is not how I feel. I feel like the anomaly (no matter how small) is the only thing that people can see.

I wish I was as clever as Cyrano. Or at least as good at poetry. Cyrano has had years to work on his confidence (or panache) from the constant comments on his nose. By the time we see him in the play, he is about middle-aged. So, he is in his regular routine. Someone makes a comment on his nose, and he either insults or kills them. Now, I don’t want to take it to that extreme. I just want to have the ability to walk around with the thing that makes me special without having that thing control my intentions. I want to let everyone know that I can look people into the eye now. It was probably stupid to avoid eye contact as much as I did (to be honest I thought I had a cooler condition and should have given more eye contact). He just seems so confident even though you know it hides all of the emotional scars from his family life and “dating” life. He lives for the fight which is something I never hope to have to do. Even though both of these things are there, he has courage to even walk the streets even if he knows people will talk about his nose. I think that is why he becomes such a good sword fighter. If they talk about my fighting, they won’t talk about my nose. If they talk about my work, they won’t have time to look deep enough into my eyes to see the problem.

I have talk to about three people this year about how I feel about my eyes. They are probably all bored of hearing about how they hurt and all of the implications. I just needed to write this to get it out there. By the way, I am going to try live my life with no intentions of being killed by a log to the head.

Ideas

I hope you still think that ideas are more dangerous than material things… All material danger is limited, whereas interior danger is unlimited. It’s more dangerous for you to hate than to kill, isn’t it?

Charles Williams The Place of the Lions

Escapism, Free-will, and Control Within Dollhouse

(Since Dollhouse is a fairly recent show with a cult following, I would like to put a disclaimer of spoiler alert before this blog post. Thank you.)

FOX's Dollhouse

FOX’s Dollhouse

I signed up for a free one month trial of Netflix which is quickly coming towards an end. Yet through this free trial, I have been able to watch a couple of shows that I have been wanting to watch but have not been able to. One of these shows was Dollhouse. The main concept of the show was there were people who would give five year of their lives away to a company, and these people were called Actives or “dolls.” The “dolls” were put on assignments for various reasons. Throughout its two season run, it had themes of escapism, free-will,and control.

The Actives came to the Dollhouse to escape. Anthony/Victor had PTSD, and Madeline/November had a child die. Caroline/Echo was sort of escaping but forced whereas Priya/Sierra, in being plain forced, was given the escape which made her better. The contract was for five years. For five years, a “doll” could escape all of the terrible things that were happening. The rich came to the Dollhouse for escape as well. Besides the people who came for pure pleasure, there were a couple of people who came because they wanted a loved one back. The pain of living without the loved one, both times a wife, was too great. A wealthy woman escaped death through using Echo’s body, even though it was a temporary escape. Unfortunately, the “doll state” was not all that it was meant to be, and the Actives themselves want to escape once they want to retain their free-will.

As stated above, most of the Actives come to the Dollhouse through free-will because of the escape. Yet once in the Dollhouse, all free-will was lost to the Actives,even though they were less successful with some “dolls.” In order to have all of the “imprints” to run correctly, all of the personality was taken out of the Active. Unfortunately, it well know that the “dolls” do not have free-will. This is why Priya/Sierra was sent to the Dollhouse in the first place. The man who sent her there knew that she would not be allowed to say no. He could order her to do whatever, and she would say yes. That is until the programmer “imprints” her with a personality with plenty of free-will and perhaps too much free-will. There was a person put in charge of arranging the engagements, and there was another who balanced the free-will within the Active during engagements. Though within the context of the system, the people running the Dollhouse had to run in the perimeters of the system of the company.

This leads to the themes of control. The Actives themselves are not in control of their own future. That is given to the people who arrange engagements and form the personalities for engagements. These people use the control to help the clients have nice experiences. Yet, the caretakers of the “dolls” are not totally in control themselves. Through threats of execution and firing, the executives control the houses to do their bidding. Since there is not one central Dollhouse, the executives use the Cloud, even before the Cloud was a thing, to “imprint” themselves all throughout the world. Here is where the spoiler alert comes into play. Boyd, the at first handler then head of security for LA then co-founder of the company, manipulates the people around him to bring his “family” to Arizona. He uses his control of the situations to make people all around the world to do his bidding. He causes the end of civilization for a while because of the way he controls the technology.

In its full run, Dollhouse established a believable universe that could be a warning for us today. It was a brief star on the radar that showed the inner-workings of an elaborate corporation that gave people escape while stripping free-will that wanted control.